Right away

you feel as if you are drowning. as if somehow nothing will ever be ok again. that this is impossible. that it is unimaginable. that you would do ANYTHING anything anything to make the feelings stop.

there can be crying or madness or feelings of near insanity. you may want to pound on the table or scream or collapse. you may find yourself falling backwards into quiet. there is no right way. whatever is, is. there can be dizziness and disorientation. there can be noises you cannot believe you are making. there can be a million hands on you, arms around you, but you are the kind of alone that feels so intense that you are not sure you will ever come back.

somehow you get home or to a safe place. somehow you hear people offering sympathies and astonishment for something you don't believe has happened. somehow your body shuts down against auxiliary sources of input, you go deeper inside. there is the beginning of numb. there is an odd quiet.

soon there will be questions from people in authority. you talk with the police. possibly the hospital. the medical examiner. you have conversations that feel impossible too. what is this life that you are living where you need to talk to these people? but you may. and you do. and they will ask hard questions. and you may or may not know the answers. but be truthful. this is not a good time to try to be anything other than what you are. and if you are worried that you are numb and that somehow this means something bad about you, it doesn't. this feeling of numb, as you will see, is a gift. it is your self protecting itself from the intensity.

right now the most important thing to do is breathe. and see if you can sleep. see if you can help yourself into the comfort that shock unwittingly provides. do not feel as if you are not doing this right. there is no right. there is just doing this. and you have no choice, you are doing this.