Night

your first night, if you need to be alone, make sure you are safe. make sure you are not getting rid of your own lifelines by isolating yourself. consider staying in one room while a friend or family member stays nearby-- a different room, the sofa...

you may sleep or you may not. you may spend time remembering or you may not. memories of that night may remain clear or they may blur into something much less than dreamlike.

you may find your mind circling around and around and around, imagining what happened, why, and what it might have been like for your loved one. you may find that you are swamped with regret- that you remember the last things you said and wish you had said something else, wish you had done something else. if you left, you may find that you wish you had stayed.

you may find yourself crying so hard you are afraid you may never stop. or you may just lie there with a lump in your throat the size of texas. or you may be numb. or any of a million things. whatever you are is just exactly where you need to be. but if you find that you are feeling at all suicidal, please call for help, do not hesitate, do not worry about being a bother or crying wolf or not wanting to worry people- just get help. call 911. call a suicide hot line. call even if you are just starting to think that somehow that ending it through suicide makes the most sense.

in this moment, making the pain stop feels like the most important thing- but decisions you make right now may not be truly in your best interest, or in the interest of those you need to care for.

if you need a sleep aid, try to use one that is not a depressant. ask your doctor for one-- avoid over the counter "PM" formulations. they may make you more sad, and feel less able to cope.

hold yourself gently. know you are doing the best you can. if you find yourself thinking self-damaging thoughts, use the word Stop. use it out loud if you need to. each time you return to the thought, Stop. think of a book you loved when you were younger. try to remember each page. how it felt to hold it. or remember a walk you took. bring yourself away from the troubling thoughts each time, gently. you may sleep. you may not. you may dream. you may not. allowing yourself to sleep does not mean you are not grieving. or sad. or scared. or aware of how horrible things are.

sleep is a momentary escape, and it is also a place of healing. let yourself sleep if you can.