And if

if you have children or pets, make sure they are cared for. i know this seems obvious, but in these first days, you are in survival mode. and sometimes things even really important things get forgotten.

make sure someone calls your work and lets them know if they do not already know. make sure someone calls your family if they do not already know.

there may be people around you trying to help, so tell them what you need if you have the faintest idea what that is-- if you need them to make calls for you, ask them. if you need space and silence, say so. if you need a movie, a hug, a pizza, say so. everyone feels powerless in this situation. everyone. people are truly wanting to help. if you do not know what you need or want, say so. or say you want water. or tea. or something.

eat anyway. eat even if you cannot imagine eating. eat something that matters-- something with calories. peanut butter. chocolate. cheese. if you cannot swallow past the lump, try a milkshake, a smoothie, a yogurt.

I suggest you do not listen to music that you love, you may forever associate it with this time. so if you listen to music, branch out. try something new.

Night

your first night, if you need to be alone, make sure you are safe. make sure you are not getting rid of your own lifelines by isolating yourself. consider staying in one room while a friend or family member stays nearby-- a different room, the sofa...

you may sleep or you may not. you may spend time remembering or you may not. memories of that night may remain clear or they may blur into something much less than dreamlike.

you may find your mind circling around and around and around, imagining what happened, why, and what it might have been like for your loved one. you may find that you are swamped with regret- that you remember the last things you said and wish you had said something else, wish you had done something else. if you left, you may find that you wish you had stayed.

you may find yourself crying so hard you are afraid you may never stop. or you may just lie there with a lump in your throat the size of texas. or you may be numb. or any of a million things. whatever you are is just exactly where you need to be. but if you find that you are feeling at all suicidal, please call for help, do not hesitate, do not worry about being a bother or crying wolf or not wanting to worry people- just get help. call 911. call a suicide hot line. call even if you are just starting to think that somehow that ending it through suicide makes the most sense.

in this moment, making the pain stop feels like the most important thing- but decisions you make right now may not be truly in your best interest, or in the interest of those you need to care for.

if you need a sleep aid, try to use one that is not a depressant. ask your doctor for one-- avoid over the counter "PM" formulations. they may make you more sad, and feel less able to cope.

hold yourself gently. know you are doing the best you can. if you find yourself thinking self-damaging thoughts, use the word Stop. use it out loud if you need to. each time you return to the thought, Stop. think of a book you loved when you were younger. try to remember each page. how it felt to hold it. or remember a walk you took. bring yourself away from the troubling thoughts each time, gently. you may sleep. you may not. you may dream. you may not. allowing yourself to sleep does not mean you are not grieving. or sad. or scared. or aware of how horrible things are.

sleep is a momentary escape, and it is also a place of healing. let yourself sleep if you can.

Right away

you feel as if you are drowning. as if somehow nothing will ever be ok again. that this is impossible. that it is unimaginable. that you would do ANYTHING anything anything to make the feelings stop.

there can be crying or madness or feelings of near insanity. you may want to pound on the table or scream or collapse. you may find yourself falling backwards into quiet. there is no right way. whatever is, is. there can be dizziness and disorientation. there can be noises you cannot believe you are making. there can be a million hands on you, arms around you, but you are the kind of alone that feels so intense that you are not sure you will ever come back.

somehow you get home or to a safe place. somehow you hear people offering sympathies and astonishment for something you don't believe has happened. somehow your body shuts down against auxiliary sources of input, you go deeper inside. there is the beginning of numb. there is an odd quiet.

soon there will be questions from people in authority. you talk with the police. possibly the hospital. the medical examiner. you have conversations that feel impossible too. what is this life that you are living where you need to talk to these people? but you may. and you do. and they will ask hard questions. and you may or may not know the answers. but be truthful. this is not a good time to try to be anything other than what you are. and if you are worried that you are numb and that somehow this means something bad about you, it doesn't. this feeling of numb, as you will see, is a gift. it is your self protecting itself from the intensity.

right now the most important thing to do is breathe. and see if you can sleep. see if you can help yourself into the comfort that shock unwittingly provides. do not feel as if you are not doing this right. there is no right. there is just doing this. and you have no choice, you are doing this.