the day before, i sat on a chair in my sister's yard, as she cut 10" off my hair. it was like today- sunny, blue sky, breezy. i remember the smell of the air, and the sounds of summer happening all around me. my heart so heavy, wanting so desperately to feel lighter.
i did not know this was your last day
and i have wondered a million million times what i would have done if i'd known.
i know from your letter that you knew.
and that makes my heart break all the more. knowing it was not an accident, a crime of passion, impulsive anything.
it makes me feel as if i had just known what to say, just known what to do, somehow i could have interrupted the spiral that landed you there
and me
here
i do know this: if love was magical, truly, in the ways i wish it were, you'd be here still. flying planes in alaska. you'd send me a note once a year or so, with a photo of you standing on the float of a de havilland beaver, your plane, smiling maybe. in the background there'd be mountains, and enough space for you to be ever adventuring.
and me, yeah, i'd send you photos of my daughter, and send you love, just happy knowing you were there.
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For suicide survivors
If you feel suicidal
Get help. Please. Just call 911, or a friend, or a suicide hot line-- those folks are excellent and amazing. Or go to the emergency room. Tell them you need help. Be clear.
The choice you are thinking of making, once made and put into action, is not open to negotiation. You cannot change your mind and come back. Give yourself time. Ask for help.
Think instead about options you would suggest for a friend. And treat yourself that way. Treat yourself as if you matter. Because you do. You do. You do.
The choice you are thinking of making, once made and put into action, is not open to negotiation. You cannot change your mind and come back. Give yourself time. Ask for help.
Think instead about options you would suggest for a friend. And treat yourself that way. Treat yourself as if you matter. Because you do. You do. You do.
Why this blog
I lost someone dear to me to suicide in 2003.
For a few years I was married to a wonderful, brilliant, tormented man. I lost him first to the ravages of untreated depression- the kind that devours slowly but thoroughly, and then finally I lost him to suicide.
The grief associated with suicide is complex, and resources are hard to find. These are the letters I would write to all of us if I could.
And to anyone out there new to this or old to this, you know. There is nothing simple about this. My story is not necessarily anyone else's. My reactions, my emotions, my thoughts, are all my own. But sometimes it makes sense to put things out there, in hopes that it will help someone else feel less alone, less desperate, less desolate. Even if only by showing that even though something awful has happened and can never un-happen, years can pass, and that life-- a good life-- can happen too.
For a few years I was married to a wonderful, brilliant, tormented man. I lost him first to the ravages of untreated depression- the kind that devours slowly but thoroughly, and then finally I lost him to suicide.
The grief associated with suicide is complex, and resources are hard to find. These are the letters I would write to all of us if I could.
And to anyone out there new to this or old to this, you know. There is nothing simple about this. My story is not necessarily anyone else's. My reactions, my emotions, my thoughts, are all my own. But sometimes it makes sense to put things out there, in hopes that it will help someone else feel less alone, less desperate, less desolate. Even if only by showing that even though something awful has happened and can never un-happen, years can pass, and that life-- a good life-- can happen too.
About Me
- Kate
- 50, still full of wonder and curiosity. Also blogging about life and creativity at www.kate-johnson.com
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