mosaic

if you are here because you have lost someone to suicide,
i want to say this:
you are not alone.

processing this, surviving this, happens one breath at a time.

at first you will not mark time, you will be trying to breathe
your body shuts down
you need to go into self protective mode, and your body takes care of that with shock that wears off very slowly
soon you may find you mark the time, most literally, looking at the clock each day thinking "now, now is when" and your heart will be bruised and broken with the thought
and then, it will be days-- one day since, two days since,  three days since...
and then it will be a week, and every sunday you will think of them
and then it will turn to months, where every 11th comes with grief laden anticipation
and then, somehow, a year will pass, and you will not believe it could be possible

i want to say this about grief:
grief stays more raw than you will like, but the waves will come less frequently... over time you will feel this. but it stays close, and things will trigger you when you least expect it.
it is very hard to be out in the world, feeling so broken, and looking, well, astonishingly normal.  it is impossible to imagine you can look normal, that you can act normal, that you can, for all intents and purposes, be normal for stretches of time.
tears will come when they are least welcome.  look up at the ceiling with your eyes only, breathe out forcefully, using your belly, if your mind is playing horrible video tapes, right outloud stay Stop.... i lived through whole days that way, eyes turned upwards, blinking fast, blowing breath, saying Stop.

i want to say this about surviving:
we are stronger than we could ever imagine.
a loved one's suicide is not something simple. it goes against everything we know to be true in ourselves (the absolute ground truth of wanting to do anything possible to ensure our own survival), and it shakes our confidence. what if we're not as strong as we thought?
we are. we're stronger even. we are more resilient than we can believe.  your job, now, is survival.  understanding may not ever come. acceptance is intermittent.   yes, this is our truth... but it is not the whole truth.
remember every day that the good memories are real.  that the good parts of your days now are real.  that the good feelings we have are real.  that all of this complex mosaic is our truth.  the shit and the bliss.

hold yourself gently and with deep compassion. return to this self-compassion as often as you can.
ask for help. ask again.
breathe, blink, blow breath, and know that you are not alone.