today is an anniversary, the day of the week, not the day of the month
the day where jeff killed himself.
and i cannot believe how sharp the pain is 6 years later. how acute the memories are of how i spent that day, down at my sister's, the wind blowing, the air clear, sunshine and clouds. she cut my hair in the back yard... and the little pieces just blew away.
the weather that day was like the day we were married, and days like that still pull my heart with their beauty and half wildness and the sadness that comes up faster than i can talk it down.
memory comes so fast, faster than i can react, and emotions just seep and well and flood and i am stumbling around half here, half there.
trying so hard to stay present and failing failing failing.
i circle around and around and around to the last time i saw him, i remember where we were standing. i remember what he was wearing, the awkward kiss we shared. the sound of his voice. how he smelled. the overwhelming love i felt and the deep and twisted pain of everything we had been going through. and oh god how tired i was, so tired of fighting so hard to keep hold of something that in so many ways was already gone.
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