there will be a morning when you wake up and you do not think of this first.
you will be astonished.
and then, you may feel a tidalwave of guilt.
it may be because time has passed and the complexity of life is starting to reassert itself. you may be thinking of where you may want to live, you may be looking at houses or apartments or spending time imagining what it would be like to be somewhere else, imagining moving, starting again somewhere far away.
it may be because something else has happened. witnessing a car accident did it for me. the next morning when i woke up, i thought of that first. the intensity of being the first one on the scene. the words i kept saying as i ran forward please be alive please be alive please be alive. and somehow, somehow he was.
that next morning, i thought of him first.
then i thought of jeff.
my stomach clenched with guilt as if i had been somehow untrue.
this is just life happening. and you are ok. and it does not mean you do not care. that you are not grieving. that you are not honoring the person you lost.
it does not feel as if this is true but it is.
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For suicide survivors
If you feel suicidal
Get help. Please. Just call 911, or a friend, or a suicide hot line-- those folks are excellent and amazing. Or go to the emergency room. Tell them you need help. Be clear.
The choice you are thinking of making, once made and put into action, is not open to negotiation. You cannot change your mind and come back. Give yourself time. Ask for help.
Think instead about options you would suggest for a friend. And treat yourself that way. Treat yourself as if you matter. Because you do. You do. You do.
The choice you are thinking of making, once made and put into action, is not open to negotiation. You cannot change your mind and come back. Give yourself time. Ask for help.
Think instead about options you would suggest for a friend. And treat yourself that way. Treat yourself as if you matter. Because you do. You do. You do.
Why this blog
I lost someone dear to me to suicide in 2003.
For a few years I was married to a wonderful, brilliant, tormented man. I lost him first to the ravages of untreated depression- the kind that devours slowly but thoroughly, and then finally I lost him to suicide.
The grief associated with suicide is complex, and resources are hard to find. These are the letters I would write to all of us if I could.
And to anyone out there new to this or old to this, you know. There is nothing simple about this. My story is not necessarily anyone else's. My reactions, my emotions, my thoughts, are all my own. But sometimes it makes sense to put things out there, in hopes that it will help someone else feel less alone, less desperate, less desolate. Even if only by showing that even though something awful has happened and can never un-happen, years can pass, and that life-- a good life-- can happen too.
For a few years I was married to a wonderful, brilliant, tormented man. I lost him first to the ravages of untreated depression- the kind that devours slowly but thoroughly, and then finally I lost him to suicide.
The grief associated with suicide is complex, and resources are hard to find. These are the letters I would write to all of us if I could.
And to anyone out there new to this or old to this, you know. There is nothing simple about this. My story is not necessarily anyone else's. My reactions, my emotions, my thoughts, are all my own. But sometimes it makes sense to put things out there, in hopes that it will help someone else feel less alone, less desperate, less desolate. Even if only by showing that even though something awful has happened and can never un-happen, years can pass, and that life-- a good life-- can happen too.
About Me
- Kate
- 50, still full of wonder and curiosity. Also blogging about life and creativity at www.kate-johnson.com
Copyright
The content is my own and copyrighted by me. Please treat it with respect.
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