Waking

you may wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning or in the afternoon. there may be a lull, a moment, a quiet peacefulness. and then there is the crushing feeling as you remember. when you realize it was not a dream. when you realize that you have lost so many precious things, including the ability to go back and un-do whatever you feel you have done that led to this moment.

if it is night, you may lie there and systematically torture yourself with thoughts of what might have been, if only. you may play the death in your head as you imagine it. you may play the finding, the losing, the horrible first moments over and over and over.

tell yourself to stop. if you can't stop, get up. if you can sleep, do. let yourself sleep if you possibly can.

if you wake up and it is morning, there may be things you have to do. decisions you have to make. where the body needs to go. what to do. you may have to talk with the police again. talk with the medical examiner. talk with the funeral home. cremation? burial? obituary?

some of these choices you will need to make quickly. others can wait.
you can and will make these choices. there is no wrong way to do this.

things will cost more than you can imagine. order more death certificates than you think you need. the funeral director is someone who may be able to help in more than one way- may be able to offer insight and solace as someone who has been with death, including suicides, before. very few of us have. none of us should have to. but they can offer this: that it is not about love or the failure of love to perform miracles. it is about the person who has killed themselves. they made the choice. no matter how much they may have felt there was no choice, there was.