anniversary

so today would have been my 10th wedding anniversary, i guess it is anyway. it is. i guess it is.
i think back on that kate, that hopeful open hearted kate, and wish her not foresight, no, not really. i just wish she could have had her dream a little longer. no, that's not true. i wish she could have had her dream.

i wished even then and most of all for jeff to make other choices, to have been able to stay present, to feel joy, to take pleasure in life and in our life, and in me. i wish this all could have been different. i wished and wish that love was somehow more powerful than that.
sometimes i used to wish for clairvoyance, the kind that would have had me make other choices, choices that would allow me to avoid falling apart, having my heart so broken, having and causing so much pain. and that makes sense. it does.

and now i also realize that some of my sadness comes because i just miss who i used to be-- that person who said with such a open heart "forever", and meant it. and i think that is where some of the pain comes from, from meaning it. from meaning it with all my heart and losing anyway.

as i move forward through life, i find myself avoiding forevers, disbelieving that they are possible or safe. and i miss the person i used to be so badly it aches almost as much as missing the man i married and the relationship i thought i might have, and the dreams i had for our future. oh how i miss that kate.

it was such a beautiful day, filled with clear light of early autumn and a blue sky and puffy clouds.
we stood on a bluff over looking the ocean, and i remember how my heart felt when i said forever. my heart was open, it felt like it was true.